Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
