Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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