So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
