Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize