actually, I'm a sock model
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
