I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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