My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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