I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
