we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
