How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
