I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
