My Higher Power is John Stamos
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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