that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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