I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Still dying that you shit outside
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
