you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
