I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize