Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
