hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
