Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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