also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
