Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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