I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So. Much. Porn.
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