at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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