i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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