I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
