Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She swung at the pinata with crutches
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize
