Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
