mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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