I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
two words...techno handjob
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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