where am i from again
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
