I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
