I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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