I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
