Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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