I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
