i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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