used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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