I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
