i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
