You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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