OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
