When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
