I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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