If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
