John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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