turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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