I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
