I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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