Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
