Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
