And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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