I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize