I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
farters have to be the big spoon...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
