You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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