I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
