if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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