please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
