no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
