They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
