On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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