We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
