at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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